I'm laying in your front yard are you home
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
