Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
