I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He shit in the fireplace
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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