Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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