for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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