I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
