i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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