I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
