Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
