I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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