i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
