We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
