he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
