woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
