I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
