Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
