I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
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When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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