Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?