Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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