Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
