when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
