I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
