Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
