I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
