i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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