chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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