Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
