its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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