I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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