the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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