When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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