Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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