Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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