She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
