I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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