If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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