I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
