Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
