real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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