a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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