You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
