Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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