Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
