I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
