she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
