My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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