in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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