we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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