You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
