Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
