All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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