so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
