ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
