Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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