All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
