I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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